For nearly 70% of women, their bodies physically change when they realize their husbands have betrayed them. This physiological response is similar to PTSD when discovering their husbands are watching pornography, or acting out in sexual venues, or other avenues. If you find you had a strong emotional response to finding your husband has been unfaithful, you are probably one of the 70%. Therefore, If anyone uses the terms, “freaking out,” or “panicking,” to label you, personally reject them. Here’s why.
Either through disclosure or accidental discovery, your husband’s secret is out. He is directing his sexual energy to someone or something other than you, whether through pornography/webcam viewing, visiting sexual venues, serial affairs, or one long affair. At the moment of discovery, your inner world and your outer world explode like a die pack in a bank robber’s duffel bag. Or, as many wives I’ve known describe it, you feel defiled, shell shocked, or gut punched. Everything you thought true about your husband – that he had your back and shared the same values – is now in question. Who is this man?
In that moment, your husband murdered the trust you had in him. Your brain, neurologically, does not know the difference between this death of trust and witnessing a true death. It just knows your husband is now dangerous. He is responsible for the death.
So, if at the moment of discovery you experienced a deep need to pace the house or run circles around it, you’re normal. If you experienced a desire to hit, punch, or throw things, you’re normal. If you became motionless and emotionless in your body, mind, and spirit, you are normal.
You are not going crazy. Your brain is responding to a death.
The moment trust died, your brain and body went into threat preparedness mode, just like your body would if you saw your fellow soldier shot down on the battlefield or witnessed an act of violence in public. For some, your response to this is for adrenaline, cortisol, and other stress hormones to start pouring into your veins readying your system for quick action. You are energized to flee or fight because more danger is possibly imminent. For others, cortisol is reduced and freeze/numb/fawn results. Or, you can cycle between fight, flight, freeze/numb/fawn, especially if you’ve had drips of discovery over time (we’ll discuss this more in another post).
The cascade of responses begins in the amygdala before the rational brain is even aware of what is going on. The amygdala is the part of the brain that responds to fear. It sends messages to the hippocampus to ramp up the autonomic or involuntary nervous system (the system that controls bodily functions that you cannot consciously influence). Heart rate and respiration rates increase. Blood vessels in the arms and legs dilate to allow greater oxygenation of the muscles while other blood vessels constrict. Glucose levels surge to provide the fuel needed. The amygdala also tells the hippocampus to make a strong memory of the threat event so it can avoid it in the future.
In order to respond to fear with the most energy possible, the threat response temporarily slows down non-life sustaining mechanisms, such as your higher brain function (pre-frontal cortex), appetite, gut function, immunity, and sexual responses.
What you are experiencing is involuntary.
With the pre-frontal cortex off-line, you might feel cognitively foggy, confused, and unable to make decisions. With appetite, gut, and immunity off-line you may experience the inability to eat, nausea (vomiting), illness or skin breakouts, and chronic fatigue because you are unable to ingest proper nutrition.
Finally, memories are stored at a higher level in your brain for easy access. Therefore, you may experience, nightmares, flashbacks, avoidance, and intrusive images. The memories are easy for your brain to pull up and compare to your current situation. If your current situation resembles the dangerous situation, you may be triggered and respond with increased heart rate, respiration, anger, fear, or have a panic attack. This is your body doing something involuntarily. Depression, panic attacks, phobias, anxiety are all ways your body and mind are trying to protect you from experiencing the threat again.
You are not “freaking-out.”
Sometimes, the physiological/neurological event triggered by the death of trust is wrongly and offensively characterized as “freaking-out,” or, “panicking.”
Of course, you are having a strong response! You just discovered your husband has been sharing his sexuality with others (whether digital or in real life)! In the span of a milli-second, your marriage covenant was shredded. Therefore, your brain responded to a relational trauma perceived as death.
A strong response does not equal “freaking out,” or, “panicking.” People may use these terms to describe your strong emotions. However, it is minimizing and shows that they are uninformed about current sexual betrayal trauma studies.
Before 2005, partners’ strong responses were seen as codependent. They were told they were just as dysfunctional as their betrayer. However, Dr. Barb Steffens’ landmark study in 2005, “The Traumatic Nature of Disclosure for Wives of Sexual Addicts,” helped us see the agonizing moment of discovery in trauma terms for nearly 70% of her participants. Her study helped abolish labels. Even though Steffens’ study sparked numerous follow-up studies (which over and over supports Steffens conclusions), the codependence label doggedly hangs on. It continues to cause emotional destruction to the woman already eviscerated with pain.
What you are experiencing – deep visceral pain, confusion, sleepless nights, pacing, unable to catch your breath – is real and physiological. It’s not “all in your head.” You are not “freaking out,” because you are a weak, drama queen. You are experiencing something no woman should have to experience. Your husband has not honored his part of the “forsake all others” vow.
As I conclude, hear me, your pain is valid, your misery is justified, and your fury is acceptable. These intense raw emotions will subside, but it takes time and intention on your part. Stick with me and I’ll walk with you through this bloody mess to the other side.
