Why Strong Wives?

Strong Wives exists because my low-key approach and ignorance was enabling him.  It was through words of righteous anger and determination based on a foundation of empathy that his thick dam of denial and justification fell like the wall of Jericho.

Early 2000’s

I was blindsided by my first D-Day in the early 2000’s, as most betrayed wives are. I was not just hurt, but incredulous.  The behavior I discovered was way out of line with my husband’s professed values.  However, as a wife who wasn’t showing up in the bedroom very often, I took the blame he was throwing my way. (I now know sex addiction isn’t about sex.)  Plus, I was still influenced by culture and the “boys will be boys” mindset.  However, a “gift” of this season was participating in a marriage class that transformed our relationship.  We learned tools that are still in use today in our relationship, 20 years later.  It was also at this time, I started a journey toward physical, emotional, spiritual, and intellectual maturity. I was on a personal growth track. One of the best things in this season was the permission I gave myself to simplify my life of too many obligations.

Even though our marriage relationship was (and is) in a much better place, he did not personally seek outside help.  He was “white knuckling” it.  Controlling his addiction through sheer force of will.  Satan had him lying to himself, “I can do this.”  I asked him occasionally how his “battle” was going?  He’d always answer, “I’m trying.”  But, try as I might he wouldn’t engage in a full conversation (that should have been my red flag!).  I was just too busy to worry with three young teen sons close in age, a part-time job, and home responsibilities.  My home responsibilities were great because he traveled a lot for business (NOT a good thing for a sex addict).  Plus, I allowed him to control me through his angry outbursts and grumpiness not understanding, at the time, who I was in Christ and that I had power to push back.

My second D-Day, several years later, was infuriating and devastating because I was now a sexually available wife.  I was researching and writing about healthy sexual intimacy at my blog, OysterBed7 (encouraging Christian wives with low sex drive).  Since the first D-Day, I was growing in maturity as a Christ-follower, leaving legalism behind.  I was very confident in God’s design for sexual intimacy.  No more did I believe the “boys club” was OK.  I pointed him toward therapy and rejected all excuses and justifications that this issue involved me.  I was NOT the cause of this.  I read, Boundaries, by Cloud & Townsend for the first time and put into place some boundaries for myself.  I read Search for Significance by Robert S. McGee.  I also did some really hard work toward a bit of emotional detachment.  Dave did NOT define me, God did.  I let go of a lot of things as I tend toward perfectionism.  I started working on more self-care, prioritizing my emotional, mental, spiritual health over the marriage.  I had to be healthy and mature to fight this spiritual battle for my marriage.

Throughout dealing with our second D-Day, I wanted to treat him like the adult he was and not press the issue.  I encouraged him to work his way through it.  I knew the only way he would truly recover was when he decided to.  Little did I know that his pride and the pain of therapy kept him from the true path toward recovery.  Satan had him lying to himself, “I can stop on my own.”  Plus, the doozy, “It’s not really cheating,” (delusion and legalism at its finest).

My third D-Day was excruciating.  Have you seen the last scene in the movie, Braveheart?  If not, William Wallace, because of his actions of treason toward Great Britain, is hanged (nearly to the point of death), drawn (he is disemboweled through one long slit down the center of his abdomen, then beheaded), and finally quartered (his body is cut into four pieces).  THAT is the level of devastation my third D-Day brought to me because his addiction had grown.  He had never sought out necessary steps to truly recover.

Without the second D-Day, I would not have had the understanding that I was fighting the enemy, Satan, for the heart and mind of my husband.  Since the second D-Day, I have been researching about sexual addiction and its brain damage, how it skews values, how partners recover, and how important boundaries are.  (I also knew which boundaries I would put immediately into place if there ever was a relapse.)  So, after I took a deep breath from my symbolic disembowelment, a righteous anger rose within me the likes of which he had never seen.

Anger is not my go-to emotion.  I might get annoyed or irritated, but rarely am I seeing red.  At this moment, my third D-Day, I wasn’t seeing red. I was seeing white-hot.  I was not just angry, I was strong and controlled with the greatest of indignations.  I knew this anger was from the Holy Spirit.  It was righteous.  I did not attack his personhood in this tirade.  I attacked his behavior.  I attacked his lack of understanding about the sex industry (trafficking) and what God’s design of sexual intimacy really means.  It’s not the letter of the law, it is in the intent.  I never shamed or humiliated him.  But, I talked a whole lot about how his free will and horrible choices had now damaged my heart.  He now had to earn my trust, it would not be freely given back.  ALL of his recovery was on him.  He would be taking steps immediately toward recovery or I would be gone.  I now have control over all the money (credit cards were shredded) and there will be polygraphs yearly. The other thing about boundaries is that you have to be fully prepared to enact the consequences or you will be seen as weak and it invalidates the boundary.  I was fully prepared to enact the consequences because as much as I love him, I love God and myself more to stay holy and righteous.

In the midst of all this anger, God gave me a gift.  He allowed me to see the broken little boy inside my husband because I know my husband’s past story.  God allowed me to remember that the pattern of my husband’s adult life is kind and gentle, serving others when he can.  He had rid himself of his angry outbursts years ago.  I also never doubted my husband’s love of God and his conviction of faith even though he had not fully integrated it into every part of his life (obviously).  Although my anger and hurt were completely justifiable, they were tempered by this God-view.  I think God would call this mercy.

So, why Strong Wives?  It is here to help you grow into a wife with strength to stand up to the enemy (Satan) and your husband’s wall of denial, justification, and excuses.  It is here to help you understand that sex addiction, as much as it is a devastating personal betrayal to us, is really not about sex.  It’s about a broken man who uses the dopamine hits of arousal and orgasm like a junkie uses cocaine.  Strong Wives is here to help you grow into Christ-like maturity and into a well-rounded woman who has her own interests and pursuit of purpose.  I want to help you develop God’s gift of sight, too.  I want you to have strength to demand righteousness while understanding that what you are fighting for is the soul of your husband and the integrity of your marriage.

About Bonny Burns

I grew up amidst the cornfields of Indiana in a Christian home.  In spite of having a Christian heritage, I’m a bit of a free thinker questioning dogma and tradition which has allowed me to develop my own fierce faith.  I enjoy conversations that lean on the deep side, even though I can chit chat with the best.  Usually, I’m the listener in a conversation.

 I have a science background, attending Purdue University after high school where I met my husband, David.  We married in 1986 and had three sons by 1990 (a single and twins).  We’ve lived in several states, but most of our married life was spent in Wilmington, NC, where we raised our kids and weathered our fair share of hurricanes.  Now, we dodge tornadoes living just west of Knoxville, TN.

I began writing and researching about healthy sexual intimacy through a Christian lens in 2012 with my blog, OysterBed7.  In 2016, I was asked to join the podcast, Sex Chat for Christian Wives.  To be better able to minister to our readers and listeners, I obtained my bachelor’s degree in counseling psychology from Liberty University in December, 2019.

How We Got Started

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